Life in Columbia
by Polestar- Master of Universes
Summary: All the Playstation All-Stars, due to Sony's lack of competence when it comes to after-story-mode things, are trapped in Columbia. This is their tale.


Evil Cole MacGrath was walking home. He knew where the portals linking other universes together were better than any other opponent. In Columbia, part of the Bioshock verse, it would be a short hop to the Borderlands verse, then the Poker Night at the Inventory verse, and then the Portal verse, and then Left 4 Dead, then Resident Evil, then Capcom Vs., then Street Fighter, then Tekken, then his own.

It was gonna be a long walk.

He approached one of the safety rails of the city. He climbed on, attracting the attention of several townspeople. They gasped as he lept off.

-

Evil Cole landed on top of a lighthouse. What he saw shocked him.

Big Daddy, Sackboy, and Nathan Drake were standing by the shore, and not trying to kill each other.

Evil Cole parkoured down.

"Hey guys, whats happening?"

Nathan Drake looked over.

"Well, Big Daddy headed down to Rapture, and Little Sister wanted to say hi to her friend from Minecraft, who was on vacation in Borderlands. But when they headed to the Borderlands portal, it was... gone."

"Aw hell no. This better be a joke."

"No joke." said Nate. "Sackboy and I went down in our wetsuit costumes and checked ourselves."

Evil Cole groaned. "Thats the only way back to my universe!"

"Same! Looks like we're stuck in Bioshock for the time being."

"Oh god. I really dont feel like staying here, with all this water... anyone find a way back up to Columbus or whatever?"

Nate shrugged. Evil Cole groaned.

But Sackboy smiled. He stepped forward, used the Pop-It Menu to create a block underneath him, and repeated this action to get to Columbia.

Evil Cole looked at the pillar in thought. He began to parkour up it.

Big Daddy revved up his drill and shoved it into one side of the pillar. He waited for Little Sister to climb onto his back, then grabbed a corner of the first block. Holding himself up with one hand, he tore out the drill and stuck it into the second block. He climbed up, using the hole drilled into the first block as a foothold. He continued up in this manner.

Nathan just stood there, wondering how he could get up there with only a metric shitload of guns and a sarcophagus.

-

Evil Cole hopped back over the rail into Columbia. Sackboy was already there, trying to communicate to the other All-Stars about the missing Borderlands portal.

"What's the little guy trying to tell us?" said Dante, glancing back at Ratchet and Isaac.

Isaac shrugged. "I don't really know or care. I have to get to the Borderlands portal. See ya, dorks."

He pushed aside Sackboy and started up his boot-thruster-things. He started to fly away, but Sackboy shot him down with the Cake-inator. He ran to him, shaking his burlap arms.

"Hey! Why, you little useless sack of shi-" started Isaac, but he was interrupted by Stephen Fry.

"What I think my little Sackboy is trying to say is that the Borderlands portal is gone, Mister Clarke."

"That would have been good to know before the little git shot me." said Isaac, dusting off his suit.

A loud noise sounded. Big Daddy had gotten up the pillar and hopped onto the platform where everyone was. Dante jumped.

"Oh, hey Big Daddy. You're so lucky you get to be in your verse. Where am I gonna stay!?"

Another loud noise rung through Columbia. A metallic pod flew over everyones heads. Inside it was a screaming Nathan Drake.

"You think we should help him?" said Ratchet to no one in particular.

A few seconds passed.

"Nah." said everyone in perfect harmony.

A few minutes passed in awkward silence. A parade passed by. Nate ran up to the group, sopping wet.

"Ugh..." he said, wringing the moisture out of his shirt. "I think that goddamn stupid priest waterlogged my gun!" he said, clapping water out of his ears.

"Which one?" laughed Ratchet.

"You really, really shouldn't be talking." said Nate, who continued to wring out his shirt and clap water out of his ears.

"Hey!" said Fat Princess, who walked up with the other two girls on the roster, Kat and Nariko. "Why you so wet, Nate? Big Daddy use his level three?"

"Nah, I got a baptism."

"Okay. Where was the Borderlands portal a-"

"There is no Borderlands portal!" shouted Evil Cole. "It's gone!"

"Oh, I thought so!" said Nariko. "Didn't you hear! Every portal is gone."

"Oh, shit." said Ratchet. "Every portal?"

"Yeah, I was snapchatting with Sephiroth. He mentioned that all the Mario, Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy portals were gone."

"Oh yeah..." said Kat. "I was talking to Red a few days ago, and he said that all the portals were shutting down, and that lots of people were trying to fix them."

"Fricking shit." said Evil Cole. "Of all the universes to be stuck in, it has to be this crapfest of one. No offense, Big Daddy."

No reply.

"As I pointed out earlier, we have nowhere to stay!" shouted Dante.

"That's been solved." said Kratos, who walked in on the scene, near completely covered in blood. "That building over there is cleared. The only bad thing about it is the slowly rotting pile of corpses in the basement."

"Holy crap, Kratos." said Evil Cole, facepalming "You killed everyone in a building and left their corpses in the basement? Thats a bit extreme, even for me."

"Don't worry. The bodies wont be there for long. At least not until I get a pack of matches or find a dumpster."

Everyone groaned, minus Nariko, who said "Come on, a building's a building. Lets round up the others and get them inside.

TWO HOURS LATER

Everyone was sitting at a large, fancy table. A large, expensive looking chandelier hung over their heads. Spike grinned.

"Man, this place is so cool! Its all shiny and stuff. Just look at the chandelier!"

"This place wont be all shiny when I'm done with it..." said Sly, his pockets already bulging with golden coins and silverware.

"I dunno, Spike." said PaRappa, raising his finger to his eye. "There appears to be blood on this table!"

"You probably just got a finger cut or something. Oh look, what's that shiny thi- Sly! Put it back!"

"How about no." said Sly, pocketing a silver candlestick.

"Nariko, make Sly put the candlestick back!"

"Do I look like your mom?"

"Silence!" interrupted Zeus, standing up. "As the oldest character here, I believe I am in charge. And I did rather like the position of that candlestick. So Sly, put it back."

"Bu-"

"That wasn't a request! Put it back or I'll rip off your arms and beat you to death with them!" shouted Zeus.

Sly put back the candlestick.

"Where are we gonna be sleeping?" asked Dante, hoping to get back to normal conversation.

"There were some bedrooms, like about twelve or eleven." said Kratos. "What I'm more worried about is food."

"I saw a market down the street." said Regular Cole.

"Oh, goody!" said Fat Princess. "I'll start on a shopping list."

She clapped her hands and a Villager and a Priest appeared. They scribbled something down at the princess's demand, and vanished. She passed the parchment to Evil Cole.

"'Cake x9001,'" read Evil Cole "That's it. You're kidding, right?"

"No! People eat stuff other than cake? What cretins!"

"You dare call a god a 'cretin!?'" angrily shouted Zeus. "I'd have half a mind to smite you here and now!"

"Bring it, old man!" said Fat Princess, her guards preparing for a fight.

"I could beat a nearly-sentient pile of lard like you any day!" saud Zeus, charging his lighting blast.

Nariko hopped in front of him. "Guys, fighting will not hel-"

Zeus let loose his blast. It hit Nariko, who slammed into a wall from the force of the electricity. She growled angrily and lunged at him with her sword.

"Fight!" cried Spike. That was it. Everyone drew their swords, guns, bowling pins and other various weapons and started beating the crap out of each other. Heihachi had Toro pinned on the ground and PaRappa used his hundred hand slap move on the little cat. Nariko and Zeus were still pummeling and kicking each other, and the Coles were locked in heated combat. Fat Princess's Warriors were attacking Sweet Tooth, who took them out easily by strapping TNT to them and throwing them at Sackboy and Spike, who ran away, trying to avoid the screaming grenades. Dante, Nate, Radec, Ratchet, Isaac and Jak all were shooting their various guns, and Big Daddy had Kat, Raiden, and Emmett cornered, Little Sister preparing to stick her syringe in their jugulars. Sir Dan and Sly kept throwing various things at each other. And all through this, Kratos camped on top of the chandelier, randomly firing arrows from his Bow of Apollo into the fray. They continued until a voice rang from the heavens.

"Fighting won't get you anywhere." said Stephen Fry. At his voice, Sackboy smiled. "I suggest you guys start working to actually get comfy in your new home."

Nariko stopped strangling Zeus. "Guys, I think Stephen is right. Why were we even fighting in the first place?"

"Wasn't it because Zeus was being an enormous ham as usual?" said Spike.

"Once this wannabe god is done talking, you'll pay for that, you insolent little dirtbag!" said Zeus.

"Did you not just hear me!" said Stephen Fry crossly. "I have to leave. Pocoyo is on. Just remember, fighting is never the answer!" and with that, he was gone.

Zeus kicked Spike in the shins.

"Okay," said Fat Princess, rolling up her sleve and stepping towards Zeus. "We've been left no choice. Workers! Tie up this knave!"

Two Workers poofed into existence. They charged towards Zeus and tied him up, but not without a struggle. Within seconds, both of them were gone. Fat Princess summoned more and more, until they overcame Zeus. Zeus was left squirming like a centipede on the floor, trying to escape his bindings. Sweet Tooth stepped forward. Don't worry. I got this." he said. He picked up the wriggling Zeus and shoved him into a nearby closet. He locked the closet, melted the keys with his fire breath, and threw the molten metal out the window. It was swept over the railing of the flying city by a large gust of wind. Fat Princess blinked.

"I was just gonna chuck him over the edge," she said, "But that works too."

Regular Cole took out a piece of paper.

"Alright, who wants to make the shopping list!?" he said, holding up the paper.

Fat Princess raised her hand.

"Other than Fat Princess!"

Kratos shrugged. "I'll do it, I guess."

Kratos sat down, put on his reading glasses, grabbed the pen and paper from Cole, and began writing in perfect, caps-locked cursive.

"Wait," said Dante. "Who's paying?"

The room became silent. A few seconds passed before Heihachi grunted, and slammed a briefcase onto the table. It popped open from the force, revealing wads of US dollars and some Japanese currency.

"Holy..."

"Whoa..."

"Heihachi's loaded!"

"Mmmph!"

"Wait, you just carry a briefcase of money with you?"

"Where did you get this cash?" said Cole, looking from the money to Heihachi.

"Fight winnings." he murmured.

"Wow. I should join sometime..." said Cole.

"Finished!" said Kratos. He passed it to Cole, who passed it to Emmett.

"Could'ya pick that up for us?"

"Sure." he grabbed a wad of twenty dollar bills from Heihachi's briefcase and walked out the door.

"Well, there's nothing left to do." said Cole, sitting down. "Anyone up for some Scrabble?"

"Wait!" whined Dante. "We haven't figured out where we're going to sleep yet.

"The house, crap-for-brains." said Radec, looking through a drawer for a deck of cards.

"But where in the house!?"

"If you keep asking, you won't be sleeping in the house!" yelled Evil Cole.

Kratos turned towards Dante. "Don't worry. There's a shitload of bedrooms."

"You already told me this! I mean which bedrooms!"

"Oh. We can sort that out later, okay?"

"Fine. Geez man, you're a lot gentler off-set."

"Yeah. I know. I have to save up both my anger and my hamminess for my next game."

"Huh..."

"Yeah. I'm a nice guy, they just put me in bad roles... I wish there was one game where I dont have to bloodily dismember someone..."

"Don't worry Kratos. Your games might get a release on a Nintendo system."

They both laughed at that.


End file.
